Molly Molntuss

So I was going to attempt something. I'll keep this blog for a while, and try to blog in Swedish, about Swedish stuff. For those of you not up to the language (yet) find this http://molly-molntuss.blogspot.com/ instead. Though you might want to take this as an opportunity to learn.

Told you that autumn makes me turn towards the real world, hence my semiabsence. I truly wish September and October would last forever.

Life consists of so many small pieces and when one doesn't work it seeps over to the rest of them. We can never quite get it until it's all over and no matter how much panic might grow in my chest at times I'm not ready for the end perspecitive of it so all I can do is overanalyse the parts that have passed, and that's something I do quite gladly! Even sad stories end when you know they've ended. But what do I do to myself when I sometimes wish days away? Are they wasted or is this simply the life I'm supposed to lead, to be the catalysator of others. But the fact is I do it because I get something back, I know how that game is played at it gives me some kind of peace of mind. I wouldn't do something that offered me absolutley nothing in return.

I dreamed about dad last night, but it wasn't really uncomfortable. We were ordering food, dad, my brother and I. My first brother, and as I was getting out of the car I asked them "So you two are alive now?" and dad said "Of course, we were alive when you were 7, don't you remember?" And I do remember, I do! And I'm so grateful for my vivid dreams that let me relive moments like those. I'm fully aware, in dreams like these that I'm dreaming so I try to make the most of the time I have with those who have already expired. To be that child again and to be with them. My first brother is really the only one whose faults I was never aware of because he was always  so small and I hadn't had so much time to become so cynical before he moved on. I remember age seven quite happily, my brother was three and we had our own way of communicating, if I wasn't sure what he said I just made something up, and he would laugh. If I think about those days as the child I was they're good, if I think about them with the applied knowledge of a more concious mind it's not so much fun anymore, but shifting perspectives is what I do best, so I'm just going to let go of the thorns and dream of lingonberries and both of them smiling.

Perhaps that's why I spend so much time daydreaming and just letting my thoughts float. There can always be opinions on what I do and how I act but in my thoughts I'm always free. Always utterly free.

Yes, I could have posted something personal here, nameless, naturally, but I chose to, for now at least, to not post it. My thoughts have been spinning at 180 the past few days and I've developed a terrible seemingly neverending headache.

Instead I'm going to ponder the metathinking behind the somewhat personal. Hurting people. I've asked about that in previous blogs as it is after all a topic that occationally comes to mind, but how many people intentionally hurt others? I don't think many do at all, but we always suspect "the others" to have some large plan to only hurt our feelings. When did we become so important that the whole world spins around us and that we're constantly on "everyone else's" mind. I'm sorry, but I can't contain myself.

Anyway, what I was originally intending to post is lingering right by my fingertips, so I'll stop.

Then the cupon said to the ticket "You can use me to buy you."

I love repeating myself repeating myself repeating myself repeating myself repeating myself repeating myself

-Are you gonna eat that?
-Yes
-Why?
-Because it tastes good.
-Can I have it?
-No
-Why aren't you eating it?
-Because it's rude to talk with food in your mouth.
-But it's not in anyone's mouth.

That's a pretty plant. Too bad it's dead.

Raspberry pie is good. It's just so much work picking the berries out of the rasp.

There's a running campain here for a travel agency with the stereotypical slogan of "Life isn't the days that pass but the moments we remember". Of course they're suggesting that every moment spent with what they're selling is worth remembering. Sounds fair I suppose. But it's not true! I'll leave their prepackaged non-thinking get skincancer on a beach type holidays to the side.

Life is those moments we don't remember. Stating otherwise would be saying that the lightbulb is the room, as it brings light to the space and makes it visible. But staring at the lighbulb itself just makes your eyes hurt. It's all the same idea as wanting something is usually a lot more satisfying than actually having it.

It comes with being human to be limited, we can't experiance everything there is at once so our world is very small in comparison to how big the world is in all.

Kind of like this, I suppose. You're the center of your own world and you're surrounded by familiarity and in that context it's easy to overestimate just how important we are. Please misunderstand me correctly, of course you're important, and of course you matter, but you matter mainly to yourself, just like I matter mainly to myself. If I'm taken out of this place it will continue without me. It's a humbling realization. Some get it early on, some later, and it seems that some never quite get it.

Occationally I wish I was one of those people who seemingly can only see the world from their own perspective, a smaller piece of the world must, after all, be easier to overlook and control. But with that comes that it's so much easier to rumble. A storm in a waterglass. Yes, the storm in the waterglass analogy works pretty good. Every small disturbance becomes a big deal.  I'm not saying my world is bigger than anyone elses, I'm just stating that I've worked rather hard on being able to understand the worlds of others, and I'm growing less and less patient with those who can't shift perspective.

It has nothing to do with intelligence, it has oh so much more to do with understanding. I'm quite willing to start marking words. Sometimes it's enough to understand that there's a difference than understanding what the difference consists of.

We only have the luxury of worrying about what to wear when we're wealthy enough to own more than one garment.

I rarely have the problem of not having anything to say, instead, I often find myself stumbling over words because so many of them want to come out at once and they end up in a mess and without any sense. This happens when I take notes as well. I want to take notes of singificance, but they get twirled into my own ideas and the questions raised. Even though I don't concidider "I feel" a point in an argument I'm sure there are times where I want to resort to it. Not because I'm actually out of arguments, but because the whole concept is pissing me off and I feel unheard and belittled. See, there I went! But there has to be something behind that. Why do certain opinions raise feelings and others don't?

I can feel strongly for some things, but they basically boil down to one thing - injustice. The hate flares up in me and I become spiteful and pitiful. I can apply this to a lot of areas, but I have the core opinion that things should be somewhat fair and if we all tried to make things a bit more even the world would be a better place. What we concider right and wrong isn't as much our opinion as we'd like to think, it often has more to do with social structures and the ever feared tradition. I might not hate violence and war with such a passion had I ever faced it and felt my survival depended on my ability to defend myself. It's fairly easy being a pacifist in Sweden. There's so much pride and identity involved in military services and I do understand it's not as easy as saying "Lay down your weapons and embrace" as it's all part of a bigger system.

But isn't it true, at some level at least, that if no country had an army it would be harder to justify the building of one? If we were to just stop there'd naturally be economic consequences as those in the business of strategically killing others for their own benefit would be unemployed, but maybe a better world would emerge. I've been called naive, and yes I can see the point, but giving up the security blanket or violence would also include a reevaluation of possessions, freedom of belief and speech.

As I stated before I understand that what be believe is a product of factors surrounding us at the point in time where we formed our opinions, so what I'd like to happen is for those factors to be positive. I'm not naive enough (sorry) to think this would happen overnight, nor am I proclaiming a complete union of the world, what I'm simply asking for is an open mind and a basic respect for others.

We can't undo the mistakes of the past generations so it'd be a hard task to let go of a lot of the anger, but little by little as the injustices fade into a historic past we could begin to bridge the gaps. People should be about the same no matter where they are, we all have the basic needs, as explained by Abraham Maslow and that stairthing. Though, I don't agree completely (do I ever) as I wouldn't put safety as being more basic than love and belonging. But then again, that might be easy for me to say. Perhaps I should conduct a survey among homeless people and ask them what they'd rather want, a place to live or to be loved.

But it is in the second step we run into problems, especially if it clatches with the very top of beliefs, and we go completely off track if we forget the part of respect. I personally think that respect should be included in love. We can't love everyone, but we should strive to respect all. It's hard to deliberatly injure someone you respect. Respect needs to be earned however, and part of that is taking responsibility, so as long as we try to shift blame there can be no proper respect. Take reponsibility for your own actions and apologize when and apology is needed and your counterpart won't feel as unheard and belittled and can grow into a confident and secure person/nation/area/group, without the need to hurt someone physically.

Perhaps I'm just kidding myself. Maybe the human race doesn't deserve what's best for them and maybe we don't really want to listen to be others to be heard ourselves, at the same time as we have two ears and only one mouth. "I hear what you're saying, but I don't agree and I have no intrest in discussing it any further".

Other person: Why is your blog not about you?
Molly: What do you mean?
Other person: You don't write about what you do, where you live, you know, the basic stuff.
Molly: That's because I don't want to. I write about how I feel and think about.
Other person: But blogs are about people, like a diary.
Molly: My diary isn't about where I live either.
Other person: I just expect to know you better by reading you blog.
Molly: You don't think knowing how I feel and what I think about is getting to know me?
Other person: You only have one bad PURPLE picture of yourself on there.
Molly: So let me get this right, you want me to display myself physically and let myself me known physically.
Other person: Yes.
Molly: You do know you're creeping me out I suppose.
Other person: Why?
Molly: I don't blog to be a celebrity. I don't have the ambition to land a modeling contract or a tv announcer job, and I don't think my physical being has much to do with my writings.
Other person: Well you're no fun.
Molly: If my blog disapoints you, just stop reading it.
Other person: Well I like reading it.
Other person: I know you have lots of other stuff going on than what you write about. More personal stuff.
Molly: I said I don't want to blog about that.
Other person: No, you said you don't want to be physically present in what you write.
Molly: It falls under the same category. I don't want to be known, and I don't want to blog about people in any other way than labels as "Mother".
Other person: You're a big fan of new critisism aren't you?
Molly: Would you stop nagging me about that?
Other person: No, now go write a post about your stats.
Molly: No. But I will post this conversation.
Other person: You're mean.
Molly: This gives you a good chance to do what others are doing, start a blog where you can bitch about me.
Other person: I might, but I don't want to bitch about you.
Molly: Then stop bitching in general.
Other person: Would you stop being such a bitch about this. It's a compliment if people want to know more about you.
Molly: No, it's creepy.
Other person. Fine
Molly: Fine.

I'm assuming I'm an alright person after all, I'm somewhat clever and nice. Occationally even sweet. I can accomplish things and I get by. But then there are mornings like these. Where nothing seems right and there's nothing going right. Nor wrong. It's just all blah. Good thing is that it wouldn't take much to put me in a better mood. Bad thing is that it wouldn't take much to put me in a bad mood. So I'm in a bit of a limbo moodwise. i don't like it.

I held Milo up to the mirror and he looks all strange. It's funny how that is, we see ourselves in the mirror, but we don't see ourselves live so to speak, we look different to those who look at us.

Anyway. I don't know. Maybe reading a few chapters and a gallon of tea will make this day worth while.

Fragmentic, moi?

I have a secret love for lists. So I'm gonna make one. Of my favorite songs. I'll leave some out on purpose and forget others for no appearant reason. Enjoy. Also, please take notice that some are more a representation of the artist, perhaps not so much the song itself. The fallen by Franz Ferdinand (oh god, so hard to choose, but one song per band, mhmm) I should stop or else this list would go on forever. The trick is to know which songs I actually like and which ones ment something for other reasons.

At times the harder we try to look at an object the blurrier it seems to get. Same applies when you're trying to look at yourself and the things around you. It's an automatisation of the things around us. How many really recall how the pen felt the first time you held it? I do, in a way, so I'm sure I can't be the only one, but nowadays I don't feel the pen. Do you? Do we taste the water we drink? Feel the sleep flutter under our eyelids? The movement of the car? Do we see our homes? Our friends? Ourselves?

Sometimes we need to rediscover our basics before we can take off flight to go new places. Perhaps this is where nostalgia comes in - when we can actually see what we have and what we're about to leave behind. You mix the memories with what you are now. The scents, lights, colours and patterns. I find that a lot of times most things make better memories than present. After all we can have an endless amount of memories but we're limited to one present at a time and when our current position is about to fade into something else it can be hard to let go of it.

Perhaps I'm just really prone to become nostaligic. I can miss dreams I've had! But part of the truth is that we have to move forward, noone can live completely in the past. It can be comforting to do so however, for a while. We know how those stories end, and even though knowing the end takes out part of the excitement sometimes the worries of the current time can overshadow the prospect of going anywhere, to be heading anywhere because we don't know what's hidden behind the next curve in the road.

I read an article about a book about happiness from a historic perspective. The book isn't about how to become happy, but rather what's been concidered to be happiness. (Does anyone remember a favorite book of mine by Karin Johannisson, perhaps, hm?) The author said, in the article that "Happiness isn't a destination, it's a way to travel" Yes, I think so. It's not really about to travel it's about how to travel. You can either move away from things or towards things, and no matter how fast you run away from something you'll always know what you're running from and work really hard to not end up there again, but if you're walking towards something, even if you don't end up where you thought you knew, while you were going there that you were going someplace good, that way you travel in a positive way.

So maybe the trick isn't to focus so much, but to focus only on the things that matter at the moment.

Remember, back in the day when we bought CDs and sometimes they had hidden tracks which you only found when you left the album playing without paying proper attention so that it ended without you really noticing and enjoyed the silence. Then out of the blue there were new sounds and you weren't quite sure of where it came from. I'm assuming you do.

What if life has a hidden track and we'll only find it if we stop paying attention and that hidden track is the best song you've ever heard, and by that I mean the best place and time of your life. I hope so. I'd put it on repeat and stay in it forever.

Unfortunatly there is no freezespray of reality. You can't spray something on your life and make it stay the same until you wash it the way you do with hairspray. It would be handy sometimes though. Someone should invent it. It should also work on those moments where you're speechless, and then put them in a folder somewhere so that you can go back when you have that snassy reply. Then you can let the scenario disappear into a past and a memory of how quick of the mind you are.

Or, what if life was handed out to us on the day we were born with all our days on little cards so we could freely arrange them as we pleased, and trade cards with others if we weren't happy with the ones we got, or maybe you could just play the same card over and over. It'd be comforting to know how many cards one had though, and knowing that this too shall pass.

But as there are no such cards I'm still waiting for my hidden track so that I can freeze time.

Sounds of rock 'n' roll without irony applied.
An echo of an epoch of longing.
Circumstatial evidence of something else.
A non-event happily performed.
The preformed opinion unworded.

The sounds of echos blasting in longing.
An epoch of circumstances applied.
Performing the preformed words.
The events of rock 'n' roll happiness
An epoch without evidence.

Yes.

Not the best quality, but the only one I can find...

Especially when I'm granted 500 kr more a month (about 53 american dollahs) What in the world will I spend it on? Such luxury. A new yacht perhaps? No, I shouldn't sneer at it, I'm grateful for every single krona I get.

The sun is hanging low this morning, I'm going to enjoy it along with that infamous breeze of September. Happy autumn to all of you!