Utterly free
Told you that autumn makes me turn towards the real world, hence my semiabsence. I truly wish September and October would last forever.
Life consists of so many small pieces and when one doesn't work it seeps over to the rest of them. We can never quite get it until it's all over and no matter how much panic might grow in my chest at times I'm not ready for the end perspecitive of it so all I can do is overanalyse the parts that have passed, and that's something I do quite gladly! Even sad stories end when you know they've ended. But what do I do to myself when I sometimes wish days away? Are they wasted or is this simply the life I'm supposed to lead, to be the catalysator of others. But the fact is I do it because I get something back, I know how that game is played at it gives me some kind of peace of mind. I wouldn't do something that offered me absolutley nothing in return.
I dreamed about dad last night, but it wasn't really uncomfortable. We were ordering food, dad, my brother and I. My first brother, and as I was getting out of the car I asked them "So you two are alive now?" and dad said "Of course, we were alive when you were 7, don't you remember?" And I do remember, I do! And I'm so grateful for my vivid dreams that let me relive moments like those. I'm fully aware, in dreams like these that I'm dreaming so I try to make the most of the time I have with those who have already expired. To be that child again and to be with them. My first brother is really the only one whose faults I was never aware of because he was always so small and I hadn't had so much time to become so cynical before he moved on. I remember age seven quite happily, my brother was three and we had our own way of communicating, if I wasn't sure what he said I just made something up, and he would laugh. If I think about those days as the child I was they're good, if I think about them with the applied knowledge of a more concious mind it's not so much fun anymore, but shifting perspectives is what I do best, so I'm just going to let go of the thorns and dream of lingonberries and both of them smiling.
Perhaps that's why I spend so much time daydreaming and just letting my thoughts float. There can always be opinions on what I do and how I act but in my thoughts I'm always free. Always utterly free.
Life consists of so many small pieces and when one doesn't work it seeps over to the rest of them. We can never quite get it until it's all over and no matter how much panic might grow in my chest at times I'm not ready for the end perspecitive of it so all I can do is overanalyse the parts that have passed, and that's something I do quite gladly! Even sad stories end when you know they've ended. But what do I do to myself when I sometimes wish days away? Are they wasted or is this simply the life I'm supposed to lead, to be the catalysator of others. But the fact is I do it because I get something back, I know how that game is played at it gives me some kind of peace of mind. I wouldn't do something that offered me absolutley nothing in return.
I dreamed about dad last night, but it wasn't really uncomfortable. We were ordering food, dad, my brother and I. My first brother, and as I was getting out of the car I asked them "So you two are alive now?" and dad said "Of course, we were alive when you were 7, don't you remember?" And I do remember, I do! And I'm so grateful for my vivid dreams that let me relive moments like those. I'm fully aware, in dreams like these that I'm dreaming so I try to make the most of the time I have with those who have already expired. To be that child again and to be with them. My first brother is really the only one whose faults I was never aware of because he was always so small and I hadn't had so much time to become so cynical before he moved on. I remember age seven quite happily, my brother was three and we had our own way of communicating, if I wasn't sure what he said I just made something up, and he would laugh. If I think about those days as the child I was they're good, if I think about them with the applied knowledge of a more concious mind it's not so much fun anymore, but shifting perspectives is what I do best, so I'm just going to let go of the thorns and dream of lingonberries and both of them smiling.
Perhaps that's why I spend so much time daydreaming and just letting my thoughts float. There can always be opinions on what I do and how I act but in my thoughts I'm always free. Always utterly free.
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