Losing touch
In this well-connected day and age it's a wonder people lose touch at all. We spy on each other through google and Facebook. Don't deny it, you know you do it too! Sometimes you can find something close to the information you're looking for and you click your way to a blog, a blogcomment or a webpage. I call it lurkrelationships. Seems more people than I imagined have them with me.
Sometimes it saddens me a bit when I think about familymembers I don't talk to, but I haven't really had any contact with them in 15-20 years or so, there's really no point in missing them, I don't even know them. I do enjoy the chase a bit to figure out how the loyalities lay. That's fairly easy to do. Who kept who's name in the divorce? Who has who added on Facebook? Who comments on what in who's blog?
I really don't think I have anything to offer these people. I'm in the middle age, too young for my cousins, too old for their children, you know how that goes. I was always depending on my parents for contact with them, and when I got old enough to do it myself I had too much other stuff going on.
Still, I wonder, well, if they're anything like me they don't really care anyway, but if they're not, they might. That'd be strange too. People I don't know having a place for caring for me. Maybe life would be different had we stayed in touch and had had a chance to develop friendships in the relative way.
The loss is ok. The part of it I don't like is when someone talks about me, using my full (and real name, I should add) in words that aren't true. But then again, that just makes it look like there really is a reason why we don't speak. I won't dwell on that part. It's utterly useless. All I can really say about it is that yes, it did hurt my feelings, but probably not for the reason it was intended to.
Sometimes I think enough is enough, that I should swallow my pride and just send a message, make myself more visible to the world. But at the same time I know I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut, I've lost friends that way, but also gained some. Maybe family relations aren't for me at all. If you lose a friend you haven't really lost much of yourself, but relatives you'll always be related to, no matter how you turn your ass is always behind you.
I have enough trouble staying in touch with the friends I really wish to keep. Yes, I feel lonley at times, but it really has nothing to do with lack of company. It's more like a giant void of being unsatisfied with life. I suppose that when I feel full I'll get bored and not want to live anyway.
The death of my father sort of cut the cords completely. Closure in a way. I don't know how much he spoke with his side of the family, and I don't concider it any of my business either. Perhaps I'm in the wrong loving privacy so much. I'd never blog under my real name, nor would I mention names. I think that I live life from inside a plastic bubble. I will share my inside online, but not so much my outside. I'll blog about what I've done, but I don't always say who with or where exactly we were. It's a false sense of security, I know that.
Also, perhaps I'm secretly hoping that I will get caught, that someone will find both my internal and external life and embrace all of me. That way I wouldn't have to hide from anyone anymore.
So really I'm just losing touch with myself.
Sometimes it saddens me a bit when I think about familymembers I don't talk to, but I haven't really had any contact with them in 15-20 years or so, there's really no point in missing them, I don't even know them. I do enjoy the chase a bit to figure out how the loyalities lay. That's fairly easy to do. Who kept who's name in the divorce? Who has who added on Facebook? Who comments on what in who's blog?
I really don't think I have anything to offer these people. I'm in the middle age, too young for my cousins, too old for their children, you know how that goes. I was always depending on my parents for contact with them, and when I got old enough to do it myself I had too much other stuff going on.
Still, I wonder, well, if they're anything like me they don't really care anyway, but if they're not, they might. That'd be strange too. People I don't know having a place for caring for me. Maybe life would be different had we stayed in touch and had had a chance to develop friendships in the relative way.
The loss is ok. The part of it I don't like is when someone talks about me, using my full (and real name, I should add) in words that aren't true. But then again, that just makes it look like there really is a reason why we don't speak. I won't dwell on that part. It's utterly useless. All I can really say about it is that yes, it did hurt my feelings, but probably not for the reason it was intended to.
Sometimes I think enough is enough, that I should swallow my pride and just send a message, make myself more visible to the world. But at the same time I know I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut, I've lost friends that way, but also gained some. Maybe family relations aren't for me at all. If you lose a friend you haven't really lost much of yourself, but relatives you'll always be related to, no matter how you turn your ass is always behind you.
I have enough trouble staying in touch with the friends I really wish to keep. Yes, I feel lonley at times, but it really has nothing to do with lack of company. It's more like a giant void of being unsatisfied with life. I suppose that when I feel full I'll get bored and not want to live anyway.
The death of my father sort of cut the cords completely. Closure in a way. I don't know how much he spoke with his side of the family, and I don't concider it any of my business either. Perhaps I'm in the wrong loving privacy so much. I'd never blog under my real name, nor would I mention names. I think that I live life from inside a plastic bubble. I will share my inside online, but not so much my outside. I'll blog about what I've done, but I don't always say who with or where exactly we were. It's a false sense of security, I know that.
Also, perhaps I'm secretly hoping that I will get caught, that someone will find both my internal and external life and embrace all of me. That way I wouldn't have to hide from anyone anymore.
So really I'm just losing touch with myself.
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